Fears; Then & Now

Tuesday, 6th October 2015.

Setting: 2 pregnancy tests in the bin. Distraught and nauseated girl on the bed.

What to do next? Who to talk to? What will they say? Am I ready? I’m definitely not ready. But what is readiness? Am I a wuss? I don’t think so. But neither am I Wonderwoman. I should have known better. Infact I know better. But yet here I am. Do I pray? But does God love me at this point? I mean I’m fallen shoooort of His Glory. How does one even pray at this point? Why do I even pray? Because I believe in the Great I Am. And because at this point in time He has chosen me to be a Vessel of Life.

Present Sly: So I prayed and decided to start my day. With a great bout of nausea and lack of an appetite. Pregnancy brings with it such great joys sometimes 🙄

A couple of days later.

Setting: Still distraught but for other reasons. That and insane cravings for pineapples.

Okay. So we’re sure I’m expectant. But I am a student. In my mother’s house. With no stable income. How will my baby go to university? (Yes, I skipped the first 8-4, and went straight to the last 4 😂) Will my baby be a boy or a girl? What if I get a son? I barely understand girls, how on earth will I understand him? What will he eat? Will we stay with mum? I need my mummy. But my mummy doesn’t need an extra mouth to feed, Not right now with everything that’s going on (There was A LOT happening at that time.)

Where do people get maternity clothes? Are they expensive? Will they even look nice? I need to throw up but I’m so hungry. But I can’t eat. I can barely feed myself, how will I take care of a whole other human? This human being will be mine. For Life. I’m literally it’s transport. Blood of my blood. Flesh of my flesh. Will I raise a kind and loving person? Or will they turn into one of these brats I avoid because I can’t fathom how they turned out like so.

Present Sly: This went on for a long, long time. 37 weeks to be precise.

Credits: The Amazing @paddygedi

Sunday, 22nd May 2016.

The eagle has landed. (Read the journey here)

So she’s here. Yaaaayyy! She’s a she! I can work with this. I’m enjoying getting help from the nurses. And the meds that knocked me out were something! But it’ll all end soon. They’ll actually let me go home with her. Young, clueless me will go home with this baby and be expected to take care of her for the rest of her life. Dear Jesus, why did you grant me this gift? Just to clarify, I’m not complaining. I’m not being ungrateful. I just don’t get why you would trust my body and I to carry and then deliver this oh so precious being and mould her into what I hope will be the best version of herself.

Present Sly: Thursday, 14th September 2017.

The current state of the world we live in is heartwrenching. The hatred fueled by political climate, personal differences, greed for money and power is unimaginable. How we, as mortal beings, are capable of saying and doing some things is beyond me. Mother Nature must be mad too with the way things are going of late, hurricanes et al.

Will I always be there to protect my child? What kind of adult will she be? What kind of friends will she have by her side? More importantly, what kind of friend will she be? Will she love people from all walks of life, irrespective of their race, political inclination and social status? Will she be a light to those around her? Will she be bullied in school, will she be a bully or will she be a voice of reason? Will she feel worthy of love or will the world tell her that she’s not all that? Will she go after all she wants to be or will she be too afraid? These and many other thoughts run across my mind more often than anyone knows. Since the very day I discovered I was with child, I’ve had to constantly battle fear and anxiety. I’m still young & clueless 😂 But I am highly favoured by a God who changes not. He that made me a Vessel of Life will see us through it all.

Isaiah 41:4 : Who has done this and carred it through, calling forth the generations from the beginning? I, the Lord – with the first of them and with the last – I am He.

He will see us through. Stay encouraged, and Intentionally so. Because it gets hard to keep the faith. But it’s possible. This is the Journey of the Warrior.

Mama Mwihaki.

 

My Unbecoming

1. Happy Friday! 🙂
2. It is my heartfelt desire that you’ve been well. I know it’s been a while but I promise you’ll understand why at the end of this post.
3. Let’s get started!!

I am so lost between figuring out who I used to be, who I am and who I am supposed to be. I’m in my twenties. I’m a mum, a partner, a sister, a daughter, a colleague, an employee, an employer, a friend and a human being. Some days I wake up, crank up that feel good music and get ready to seize the day like never before. Other days I just couldn’t be bothered. Lately, it’s been more of the latter. I know I’ll probably have longer days in the future but right now, at this moment in time, I feel worn and torn out.

I have printed out work outs and have even gone to the extent of putting a simple routine on the wall. Yet each morning I wake up, after snoozing my alarm for 3 or more times, swing out of bed, look at the routine and pass it. And yet during the day I’ll feel fat and wonder why I never get around to exercising 😣 (That’s if you don’t count jumping to fit into my pants as exercise 😂 )

And that’s just one of the things I’m failing at, don’t even get me started on the whole work – family – life balance. I want to be more, really,  I do. But what is this ‘more’? Is it a higher salary? Flexible working hours? Running my own business, no? Or is it emotional stability? Mental strength to get through the lows perhaps. It could be choosing to have a positive outlook daily, but let’s be honest. It’s not all week that you feel like this 👇

And if the recent conversations I’ve had with some of you are anything to go by, a lot of us are in this boat. Even the posts on my timeline seem to be in agreement today. I don’t know whether it’s the month of March, the general attitude we’ve taken towards life or just bad juju. My recent escape has been listening to good old Bob Marley (this legend!) and reading. My love for books has slowly been re-ignited (Thanks Mel, oh you with such an appetite for books 😉) Allow me to share with you an excerpt that has kept me going these past few days:

“Growing up is an unbecoming. My healing has been a peeling away of costume after costume until here I am, still and naked and unashamed before God, stripped down to my real identity. I have unbecome. And now I stand: Warrior. Undressed for battle. Strong and benevolent. Both yin and yang. Complete, not in need of completing. Sent to fight for everything worth having: truth, beauty, kindness, shamelessness, love.To march into pain and love with eyes and heart wide open, to stand in the wreckage and believe that my power, my love, my light, are stronger than the darkness. I know my name now. Love Warrior. I came from Love and I am Love and I will return to Love. Love casts out fear” – Glennon Doyle Melton, Love Warrior

So stay steadfast. Growing up is an unbecoming. You don’t have to figure it all out today or tomorrow. Allow yourself to learn & grow. This is the journey of the Warrior.

Love & Light, Mama Mwihaki Xx

Au Revoir 2016!

Well Hello There! 🙂

Yes, I know I’ve been one of those bad friends who’s always like “I’ll call you” but 55 years later, nothing. I’m sorry. This thing called life has a way of throwing you off but not to worry, I’m back. Plus, I wasn’t going to let the year end in such an unceremonious manner, I had to show up 😛

SO much has happened these past couple of months, let me attempt to put you up to speed. We are now 7 Months!! (Just like that. I mean, Look at GOD!) We are now eating semi-solids and sitting upright. The most recent highlight has been celebrating our first Christmas as a family!

To say the least, God has been so Faithful & Good.

In the same light, there have been some downs that some young mums can understand. Like struggling to know who you are outside of being a mum and a wife. Like knowing when to devote some time & resources to yourself without feeling guilty of doing so. Or struggling with finding the right balance between being a wife, mother, employee, friend, daughter, sister, boss to your househelp, confidant, cousin, aunt, blogger (Hehehe 😀 )….The list could go on and on.

Don’t you worry honey! My dear mother-in-love recently spoke such enlightening words – “Don’t act small. We were destined for greatness so don’t act small.” And just like that, God made her a vessel to remind me (and now you) not to act small. Don’t forget yourself. Everyone expects something from you at any one point in time, don’t forget yourself in the midst of it all. God will raise those around you to where you are and will assist in achieving that balance you so earnestly seek.

So here’s to 2017! On that note, let’s share some thoughts shall we? I have declared 2017 to be my year of intentionality. I shall be intentional with my words and actions. I shall be intentionally kind, caring, loving, patient, passionate, I shall be intentional in forgiving, in remembering people and things, intentional in putting up new posts and just life in general. “When your intentions are pure, so too will be your success.” – Charles F. Glassman

What’s your 2017 going to be about? 🙂

Wishing you all outbursts of Love, Light & Hope in the coming year! Happy 2017!

Xo – Mama Mwihaki

 

Black does Crack

Sometimes. Black does crack sometimes 🙂

Ask majority of the mothers you know about how the maternity ward changed them and the answer will most probably be that they no longer feel like their bodies are as private as matters of national security. After you’ve had both male and female nurses looking where the Good Lord split you and shoving their hands in a manner that’s far from gentle, you will understand. Which explains why afterwards whenever the baby cries the first instinct is to unleash the boob and then panic about your surroundings or who’s watching later 😀

It’s 4am after surgery, you’re high as a kite thanks to the flood of drugs currently in your system and you wake up wondering if you still have legs since you still haven’t regained sensation. Then a nurse comes and opens up your gown, squeezes your boob and says in a very casual manner, “Ah Uko na maziwa!” (See what I mean about your body ceasing to be yours? Smh) Those words are quite an understated blessing though!

A few hours later, you’re up and a nurse wheels in your tiny human. It’s time to feed her. Here is this little person whose cries are so sharp and there you are, wondering how what goes where even though you’ve probably seen this a hundred times before. So you struggle to find the perfect position hoping that your little one doesn’t slip through your panicky hands and the nurse tells you to just shove it in. Ridiculous right? No, she actually means it. And by God’s mysterious and miraculous ways this tiny human who knows nothing yet, starts suckling. You sigh with relief and that’s when you notice just how heavy your breathing had become and your posture was 2 minutes away from you gullycreeping.

So this becomes how you feed. You just shove and let nature take its course. However, the nurse forgot to mention this little thing called ‘latching’, which in simple terms means push as much boob as you can into the little one’s mouth so she can feed easily. The priority is for the baby to learn how to feed, you’ll learn efficiency later.

A few days later (in the comfort of your home with no bell to send nurses your way) you start feeling some type of way every time your baby has to feed, and it is far from joyous. You realise that every time you see that tiny mouth approaching, you feel the urge to cry and once feeding begins your toes curl up like onion rings because of the painful sensation. So you ask a seasoned mother whether this happens because for some reason every symptom you experienced during pregnancy that you thought would kill you is by all means normal X_X .”You have cracked nipples.” “I beg your pardon, I have what? They crack?” “Yeah, it happens when the baby hasn’t latched well. But don’t you worry, your milk is the answer to everything.”

Within no time, after researching and watching all manner of Youtube videos to understand this latching phenomenon, and with some help of course, you’re a pro.

So yes, Black does crack sometimes. But the feeling of that tiny warm body pressed against yours as those tiny little eyes look up to you (the way you also lovingly look at your food 😀 ) and the knowledge that you literally feed this tiny human’s existence beats any toe-curling pain. Happy World Breastfeeding Week! Xx

 

 

No Less a Mother

Disclaimer: Long post Alert 🙂  Now,

“Huyu hajui uchungu wa kupata mtoto.” (This one doesn’t know the pain of bearing/getting a child). If there ever was a statement that annoyed and saddened me at the same time, it is the one written above. It was said in reference to me having had my daughter through caesarean section and not the normal and natural birth process. I didn’t realise just how disrespectful that statement was until I came across this poem written by someone in the same boat as I was:

“A hospital gown,
an IV line,
iodine,
a spinal tap,
a sheet,
an oxygen mask.
Nurses carry on about an earthquake in Haiti.
This is how she will enter the world.
I want to scream that it hurts,
but there is no medicine for an aching heart.
Nor do the antibiotics flush the bacteria of failure from me.
I want to feel,
I want to see,
I want to run out of breath.
I want to her to enter to the sounds of grunts, and screams, and cries.
Like the women before me,
I want to earn my title as mother.
But the doctor said I failed the trial of labor.
Instead, from a wound on my belly, he pulls her out.
My daughter cries.
A nurse holds her first.
They are talking to her,
but I have yet to see her face.
And when they finally bring her to me,
she is bundled.
I cannot place her on my chest and feel her tiny body.
This is not allowed to mothers who have babies born by scalpel.
I cannot count her fingers or toes.
This is reserved for the mothers who do the work.” Credits: @empoweredbirthproject

My daughter was born 3 weeks early due to unforeseen issues and after 3 (Yes, THREE) failed inductions, I had to go in for an emergency CS. Let me tell you, after being in that operating theatre, I have been unable to watch Grey’s Anatomy the way I did before (I’m still an addict though 🙂 )

Rarely do we take into consideration the tiny details that make up the big picture, for example, The flood of emotions and thoughts as I was wheeled into surgery, the painful spinal injections, the drip, the sound of all kinds of medical equipment, the busy surgical team in their scrubs and masks, the dreary smell of all sorts of medical substances, the bright lights, the loss of sensation in my legs, the drowsiness from all the drugs in my system…I could go on and on.

Most mothers-to-be hope to bring their children into this world through the natural process. It is, after all, one of the ultimate shows of the strength of a woman. But this is one of those things that we can’t fully control. One slight change in your hormonal levels or blood pressure and you may have to go under the knife. But whether natural or surgical, the gift of a healthy baby is all that matters at the end. So before you utter a statement that may seem harmless or humorous even, ask yourself whether it disrespects that person’s journey and experience.

I may not have pushed or screamt but I am no less a mother.

Xx, Mama Mwihaki.

Someone’s Mummy

Before I go ahead, Yes I know everyone is doing a blog nowadays 😛 And yes, I’m about to become one of the many; And that’s alright 🙂 Plus I need to start somewhere so here goes!

“You’re someone’s mother now!” If I had a shilling for each time someone told me that, No, I wouldn’t be remotely close to being rich, but I would damn sure have enough to buy something good. So yes, I’m a mummy now. And it sounds almost as unbelievable to me as it does to you.

Being a vessel of life, I found, was the best definition of my experience. A vessel that literally carried the gift of life, so meticulously crafted by the Great I Am, who then grants it to us, with the ability and responsibility to nurture it.Does it feel good? SO Good! But is it overwhelming? Yes, It can be. But I won’t get into that now, saving the good stuff for later 😉

Even more so though, the statement I have heard most is “I’ll come to you for tips” or paraphrased to “You’ll have experience when my time comes.” Do I know what I’m doing? C’est comme ci comme ca (That’s neither here nor there). But I want to be able to share some memorable lessons when said people come for said tips. So in an effort to remember most of this journey I will journal and share that which I can with you, and I can only hope that I will make sense atleast a few times 😀

See you soon 🙂